I'm Not Alone

Wow! Time has slipped by. In the past couple of months a lot has been happening in my life and I noticed that things have been spinning around in my head. They're spinning cuz I haven't given them any attention on their own. I haven't broken them down individually, I haven't written them down, I haven't blogged.

I literally just had an 'a-ha' moment. Do you remember back in November when I wrote about the Amy Seeley and Jesh deRox intimate concert affair? Since that night, time has had a hand in that experience fading into the background but I can't help but think that that evening happened for a reason and it's coming to the forefront again for me. I'm sitting here listening to Night Bus by Lucy Rose on repeat (maybe five times already). The lyrics "I'm not alone" just jumped out at me and I was transported back to that November night when I wrote "I'm not alone". I'm going through alot of stuff right now and...I'm not alone. Although I've felt alone for a while now cuz I just don't know what to do with everything in my life - all of a sudden in the last few minutes, I think the universe is trying to tell me that it's going to be ok.

Can you say Mm, mm, mm?!

Last weekend Bruce and I went to a Joe McNally lighting workshop in Calgary. It was fantastic and we learned lots about different lighting scenarios and how to get a certain feel with lighting. But I have to say that dinner on Saturday almost trumped the workshop, almost. We went to this little funky restaurant called 'Taste' (1210 1st Street SW). It's a tappas style restaurant, everything is appetizer sized and meant to be shared. Some of the dishes I wouldn't share again, the mac and cheese to be specific! I could eat that all day long, all by myself!!! We went with a couple friends from the workshop and had a gastronomical feast! From duck fat popcorn to foie gras to bone marrow! We had tuna tartare, pork belly, mac and cheese, sausage and eggs, beef tacos, gnocchi and duck meat balls! Sounds like a ton of food but remember, everything is appetizer size and there were four of us. I'm not one to talk up a restaurant usually but this place was superb. The best part of it, they cook on two hot plates and have half an oven! Their kitchen is out in the open so you can watch the chefs work and they crank out the most incredible food you will ever taste in the space that's about the same size as an office cubicle! If you're ever in Calgary I would highly recommend a visit to 'Taste' but be prepared to wait, they don't take reservations, but it's totally worth it!

Work in Progress...

I'm still unsure of the journey I have begun but I have a sense that part of it's about self improvement. I had the day off today and did the usual chores around the house, tidied up, started packing for our trip to Calgary this weekend. I even baked today. I was feeling on top of everything and even prepped all the ingredients for dinner early. Bruce came home and I started dinner, chicken curry. I had the chicken, onions and peppers all ready to go and I opened the jar of curry (I know, cop out for someone who apparently loves to cook - but what can I say, it's easy!) and poured it on top of the mixture only to see that there was mold on the lid!!! Ewwww!!! I yelled to Bruce to grab me a bowl so I could throw the stuff that touched the sauce into it. I started to pick out all the stuff and got so angry about what a waste it was, two chicken breasts, one and a half peppers and half an onion. Damn, I was mad at myself for not checking the jar before I zealously added the sauce. I gave up. I threw the wooden spoon on the counter and said I was done. Bruce saved the dish, transferred all the stuff that didn't touch the sauce to another pan and opened a new jar of sauce (by the way don't get the GH yellow curry sauce - it's overly sweet and kinda gross). After dinner I made lattes and put out a plate of freshly baked cookies. Bruce said the cookies were some of my best yet. However, the milk I used for the lattes was sour. Damn, batting a thousand tonight. I told Bruce that I was going to get all 'Jesh de Rox' on him and asked him if it was hard to love me. He said it wasn't hard at all but there are challenges in doing so. As I'm on this journey I asked him what they were and he called me out. He said that I get frustrated very easily and I give up (eg. dinner episode). I stopped to ponder my actions. He was totally right...if things aren't perfect, I give up and admit failure. Failure. I would never call a two-week old a failure but I call myself that frequently. Dinner may have not been my best and the lattes may have been sour but hell, my cookies kicked ass!

And Then What?

Ok, I have experienced, well, ...an experience! No other way to say that. This is going to sound like a weird blog post because I don't really know what it is I'm trying to share with you. Monday night Bruce and I had the opportunity to attend an intimate concert to see Amy Seeley and Jesh de Rox in person. Or so we thought it was to see them in concert. The evening was so much more than that! Jesh is on a journey experimenting with music as an avenue to explore the invisible vital connections between us. He and Amy have been working together to bring this about - it was truly an interactive evening. We were part of the songs performed, we shared ourselves with everyone there...we stepped into the unknown. I think some stepped back but I think there were some of us that stayed for awhile and mightn't have even stepped back yet. I think I'm still on the other side. I haven't been particularly moved by anything before, well not blindsided by what seemed like a nonchalant event like a concert. Somehow the whole experience has inched under my skin and has touched me in a way I'm not familiar with, maybe not even so comfortable with but I'm intrigued by it and I want more. It was like the universe was reaching out to me and trying to send me a message. It was pulling all sorts of threads of my life, that seemed to be separate, and laying them into one piece of cloth before me. Jesh was talking about how we think it'd be sick if a person was to tell a two-week old baby that they wouldn't amount to anything, that they were stupid or ugly. We wouldn't do that. But it doesn't cross our mind to do that to someone who's not a baby - what's the difference? We all were two weeks old at one time, and we need to remember that baby that is in all of us. Of course that sent shivers up my spine as I haven't blogged in over a month and just last week I decided to blog about seeing the kid in each of us and how that changed my day. The coincidence doesn't stop there - he asked each of us to write down a time that was significant in our lives and phrase it as more of a statement than a recollection and to throw it into a bowl. He and Amy played another song and then he passed the bowl around and asked everyone to take a piece of paper - and to make sure it's not your own. I was the last person to pick, and I picked my own! He then asked us to turn to our neighbour and sincerely say "I'm not alone". What had I wrote on my little piece of paper? "I'm not alone". Tell me the universe isn't screaming in my ear! I was on the verge of tears the whole night...something was happening but I'm not sure what it was. And then the evening was over. But I'm still on that 'unknown' side. I feel like I've been left there...what am I supposed to do next?! I've just started some kind of journey. I've started, but now what?

Who said?

I had the funniest thought this morning. I was listening to the Crash and Mars morning show on 102.9 this morning. They were talking with this caller and just the way he said something, it made me laugh as everyone around me morphed. I saw everyone around me as the little kid they used to be - little kids driving cars, little kids drinking coffee, little kids carrying briefcases on their way to work. The best way to start your day guaranteed! Who said we had to grow up?!

Energy

I find people fascinating. I find what people do fascinating. Totally makes sense why I took sociology in University. I love sitting back and watching. Anticipating. Predicting. Gives me a little jolt! Some people can change the energy of a group with their mood, just the mood they bring in on that day - fascinating! Some people are incredibly easy to read. Others you can only guess. Some days it's like a switch. A person will be happy and calm, something happens, click. Somebody flipped the switch and it's panic mode. Fascinating.

And It's Over...

Did you blink? I think I blinked. I sure didn't see it at all...let alone feel it! Tomorrow is the official start of fall. Fall people!!! Apparently summer started on June 21st, yup and tomorrow it's over. Have you looked outside today? Yeah, nice last day of summer. I don't know what we did collectively to deserve this summer this year but we clean up our act! Can you imagine what winter's gonna look like if that was summer?! I'm heading out to buy some boots and long underwear tonight!

I am proud of myself today. I stepped up last week to help somebody out, stepped out of my box, out of my comfort zone. Yes, I was nervous but I did it - I pushed myself and you know what? I succeeded! And it made me happy. It's so easy to make excuses (real or imaginary ones) to keep yourself behind the wall, rather than try something new - who knows you might fail. But you might not...you won't know if you'll succeed unless you try and stretching yourself builds character. I'm guilty of not pushing myself as often as I should. Sometimes it's a long period of time that flies by before I challenge myself and sometimes that makes me feel like I can't do something, I don't know how or I forgot how to push myself. This past weekend made me realize I should do it more often so I don't have those fears and trepidations.

But I'm gonna do it indoors, I'm not strong enough to deal with this kinda weather!