Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass but how to dance in the rain.
~not sure who wrote this but I love it!~

Further on the same theme...

How old am I?! As stated in my last post, I had my birthday this weekend! It was wonderful, lots of love and attention - what I crave the most! A fabulous friend at work surprised me with a balloon bouquet - six brightly colored helium balloons! Brightened my office and put a grin on my face. Near the end of the day, I convinced another co-worker of mine to partake in a little helium before we left for the weekend! We split three balloons, sucked back the helium and giggled till we almost peed our pants! I brought the other balloons home to brighten up my office/craft room. I noticed them tonight, five days after my friend surprised me with them and they were still floating - not as high as they were on Friday but still floating. I figured I couldn't waste them so I marched down to Bruce's desk and had some fun! Well, I think I had more fun than he did but nonetheless the two of us were laughing pretty hard as I serenaded him with my chipmunk voice! Seriously, don't let a birthday make you feel older, just look a little harder for the things that bring your inner kid out!

How Old Am I?

I'm not that young anymore and I'm actually coming up on my birthday this weekend so not getting any younger! I'm the baby of my family and I used to be the youngest at work for quite some time. Well that has definately changed. Not being the youngest in my family, that hasn't changed. C'mon, my parents are 78 - give them a break! Today I felt like a child again. Nothing brings you back in time like getting reprimanded. Reprimanded for something I have yet to do, a reprimand in advance, a reprimand for good keeping??? Whatever you want to call it, I got told! Funny how it's different when it's not coming from your parent. Totally different reaction to it. If it was my dad, I'd be shaking, fighting back tears, shrinking down in my chair. When there's no blood relation and, in fact, no reason for a reprimand, the hair on the back of my neck stands up, my ears perk up and I automatically go on the defence. Perhaps it's an early birthday gift, a time to feel young again even if it didn't involve sprinklers and hoola hoops. But c'mon, how old am I?

Control

Sometimes I can't shut myself up. I mean my inside self - you know the one that talks you in or out of things, the one that has non-stop commentary on almost everything you come across, the one that comes up with the most ridiculous thoughts that if you shared them with other people they may start to question your sanity. Yeah, I can't shut me up! Since I've been so busy chatting, I thought I'd try to summarize all the blabbing and gibberish that's been a steady stream in my head these days. One word - control. Yup, it takes someone pretty special to make hours of conversation out of the word 'control'. But I did it. Pretty much what I've come to realize is that I want control. There are tons of things in the world, in my world, that I have no control over and sometimes the outcomes are pleasant but sometimes the outcomes suck and they suck bad! So the chit chatter in my head is telling me to smarten up, forget about the things you can't control - give up trying to. There are things I do have control over so why not take it?! Why let those things that can totally suck get the better of me, don't let everything else go down the drain with them! Start small - I mean small. I stopped biting my nails - I have control over that now! I've started exercising again - there are so many people out there that can't run or lift weights - I can. It'd be a shame not to use the power I have when those people wish they could have that same power but they don't have control because of illness or an accident. I took control over the clutter in my kitchen this past weekend and let me tell you I feel fantastic about that! Small steps to taking back the control. Sure sometimes you have to let yourself wallow in self-pity but don't stay there, it will eat you alive. Show the world who's boss! Next - menu planning!

Talk About Cute!

I was looking through some old photos and I just have to share this one with you guys!


Isn't that the most adorable puppy photo ever?! I can't believe my baby's already nine!

So Tired...

I suck at blogging. Perhaps it'll be easier when my spirits pick up, when it warms up, when it stops raining and snowing for Pete's sake! Maybe when I redesign my craft room I'll have a renewed interest in sharing meaningless thoughts with you! No, their not meaningless, obviously they mean something if I've thought them. I'm just so tired. I think too much. I worry too much. It's like I can't turn my brain off (keep that to yourself smart a**)! It's almost like being at the edge of spring is like starting a new year and making resolutions - I'm going to get organized, I'm going to eat healthier, I'm going to menu plan...it's just that spring is so slow getting here! Do you dare pack away the warmer clothes? I'm just so tired.

There are only so many tomorrows. ~Pope Paul IV~

You've probably noticed I write alot about finding happiness, living a meaningful life, being a better person. I scour websites and blogs looking for guidelines and the secret to finding/living a great life. Tonight I Googled 'living life in a month' and stumbled across a book on Amazon.ca called, "One Month to Live" by Kerry and Chris Shook. All this time I've been reading self improvement blogs looking for inspiration and I found it in a book about living life in a month. "Our lives are reduced to two dates and a little dash between. We don't get to decide the dates on our gravestone but we do get to decide how we use our dash." That thought stopped me dead in my tracks. My dash is pretty empty to this point. I shouldn't say empty, I have my quirky family, my incredible husband whom I can't imagine life without, my friends who are there every step of the way for me but I haven't lived much of my dash yet and I think I better get on that!

Death is more universal than life; everyone dies but not everyone lives. ~Alan Sachs~

I'm Not Alone

Wow! Time has slipped by. In the past couple of months a lot has been happening in my life and I noticed that things have been spinning around in my head. They're spinning cuz I haven't given them any attention on their own. I haven't broken them down individually, I haven't written them down, I haven't blogged.

I literally just had an 'a-ha' moment. Do you remember back in November when I wrote about the Amy Seeley and Jesh deRox intimate concert affair? Since that night, time has had a hand in that experience fading into the background but I can't help but think that that evening happened for a reason and it's coming to the forefront again for me. I'm sitting here listening to Night Bus by Lucy Rose on repeat (maybe five times already). The lyrics "I'm not alone" just jumped out at me and I was transported back to that November night when I wrote "I'm not alone". I'm going through alot of stuff right now and...I'm not alone. Although I've felt alone for a while now cuz I just don't know what to do with everything in my life - all of a sudden in the last few minutes, I think the universe is trying to tell me that it's going to be ok.

Can you say Mm, mm, mm?!

Last weekend Bruce and I went to a Joe McNally lighting workshop in Calgary. It was fantastic and we learned lots about different lighting scenarios and how to get a certain feel with lighting. But I have to say that dinner on Saturday almost trumped the workshop, almost. We went to this little funky restaurant called 'Taste' (1210 1st Street SW). It's a tappas style restaurant, everything is appetizer sized and meant to be shared. Some of the dishes I wouldn't share again, the mac and cheese to be specific! I could eat that all day long, all by myself!!! We went with a couple friends from the workshop and had a gastronomical feast! From duck fat popcorn to foie gras to bone marrow! We had tuna tartare, pork belly, mac and cheese, sausage and eggs, beef tacos, gnocchi and duck meat balls! Sounds like a ton of food but remember, everything is appetizer size and there were four of us. I'm not one to talk up a restaurant usually but this place was superb. The best part of it, they cook on two hot plates and have half an oven! Their kitchen is out in the open so you can watch the chefs work and they crank out the most incredible food you will ever taste in the space that's about the same size as an office cubicle! If you're ever in Calgary I would highly recommend a visit to 'Taste' but be prepared to wait, they don't take reservations, but it's totally worth it!

Work in Progress...

I'm still unsure of the journey I have begun but I have a sense that part of it's about self improvement. I had the day off today and did the usual chores around the house, tidied up, started packing for our trip to Calgary this weekend. I even baked today. I was feeling on top of everything and even prepped all the ingredients for dinner early. Bruce came home and I started dinner, chicken curry. I had the chicken, onions and peppers all ready to go and I opened the jar of curry (I know, cop out for someone who apparently loves to cook - but what can I say, it's easy!) and poured it on top of the mixture only to see that there was mold on the lid!!! Ewwww!!! I yelled to Bruce to grab me a bowl so I could throw the stuff that touched the sauce into it. I started to pick out all the stuff and got so angry about what a waste it was, two chicken breasts, one and a half peppers and half an onion. Damn, I was mad at myself for not checking the jar before I zealously added the sauce. I gave up. I threw the wooden spoon on the counter and said I was done. Bruce saved the dish, transferred all the stuff that didn't touch the sauce to another pan and opened a new jar of sauce (by the way don't get the GH yellow curry sauce - it's overly sweet and kinda gross). After dinner I made lattes and put out a plate of freshly baked cookies. Bruce said the cookies were some of my best yet. However, the milk I used for the lattes was sour. Damn, batting a thousand tonight. I told Bruce that I was going to get all 'Jesh de Rox' on him and asked him if it was hard to love me. He said it wasn't hard at all but there are challenges in doing so. As I'm on this journey I asked him what they were and he called me out. He said that I get frustrated very easily and I give up (eg. dinner episode). I stopped to ponder my actions. He was totally right...if things aren't perfect, I give up and admit failure. Failure. I would never call a two-week old a failure but I call myself that frequently. Dinner may have not been my best and the lattes may have been sour but hell, my cookies kicked ass!

And Then What?

Ok, I have experienced, well, ...an experience! No other way to say that. This is going to sound like a weird blog post because I don't really know what it is I'm trying to share with you. Monday night Bruce and I had the opportunity to attend an intimate concert to see Amy Seeley and Jesh de Rox in person. Or so we thought it was to see them in concert. The evening was so much more than that! Jesh is on a journey experimenting with music as an avenue to explore the invisible vital connections between us. He and Amy have been working together to bring this about - it was truly an interactive evening. We were part of the songs performed, we shared ourselves with everyone there...we stepped into the unknown. I think some stepped back but I think there were some of us that stayed for awhile and mightn't have even stepped back yet. I think I'm still on the other side. I haven't been particularly moved by anything before, well not blindsided by what seemed like a nonchalant event like a concert. Somehow the whole experience has inched under my skin and has touched me in a way I'm not familiar with, maybe not even so comfortable with but I'm intrigued by it and I want more. It was like the universe was reaching out to me and trying to send me a message. It was pulling all sorts of threads of my life, that seemed to be separate, and laying them into one piece of cloth before me. Jesh was talking about how we think it'd be sick if a person was to tell a two-week old baby that they wouldn't amount to anything, that they were stupid or ugly. We wouldn't do that. But it doesn't cross our mind to do that to someone who's not a baby - what's the difference? We all were two weeks old at one time, and we need to remember that baby that is in all of us. Of course that sent shivers up my spine as I haven't blogged in over a month and just last week I decided to blog about seeing the kid in each of us and how that changed my day. The coincidence doesn't stop there - he asked each of us to write down a time that was significant in our lives and phrase it as more of a statement than a recollection and to throw it into a bowl. He and Amy played another song and then he passed the bowl around and asked everyone to take a piece of paper - and to make sure it's not your own. I was the last person to pick, and I picked my own! He then asked us to turn to our neighbour and sincerely say "I'm not alone". What had I wrote on my little piece of paper? "I'm not alone". Tell me the universe isn't screaming in my ear! I was on the verge of tears the whole night...something was happening but I'm not sure what it was. And then the evening was over. But I'm still on that 'unknown' side. I feel like I've been left there...what am I supposed to do next?! I've just started some kind of journey. I've started, but now what?

Who said?

I had the funniest thought this morning. I was listening to the Crash and Mars morning show on 102.9 this morning. They were talking with this caller and just the way he said something, it made me laugh as everyone around me morphed. I saw everyone around me as the little kid they used to be - little kids driving cars, little kids drinking coffee, little kids carrying briefcases on their way to work. The best way to start your day guaranteed! Who said we had to grow up?!

Energy

I find people fascinating. I find what people do fascinating. Totally makes sense why I took sociology in University. I love sitting back and watching. Anticipating. Predicting. Gives me a little jolt! Some people can change the energy of a group with their mood, just the mood they bring in on that day - fascinating! Some people are incredibly easy to read. Others you can only guess. Some days it's like a switch. A person will be happy and calm, something happens, click. Somebody flipped the switch and it's panic mode. Fascinating.

And It's Over...

Did you blink? I think I blinked. I sure didn't see it at all...let alone feel it! Tomorrow is the official start of fall. Fall people!!! Apparently summer started on June 21st, yup and tomorrow it's over. Have you looked outside today? Yeah, nice last day of summer. I don't know what we did collectively to deserve this summer this year but we clean up our act! Can you imagine what winter's gonna look like if that was summer?! I'm heading out to buy some boots and long underwear tonight!

I am proud of myself today. I stepped up last week to help somebody out, stepped out of my box, out of my comfort zone. Yes, I was nervous but I did it - I pushed myself and you know what? I succeeded! And it made me happy. It's so easy to make excuses (real or imaginary ones) to keep yourself behind the wall, rather than try something new - who knows you might fail. But you might not...you won't know if you'll succeed unless you try and stretching yourself builds character. I'm guilty of not pushing myself as often as I should. Sometimes it's a long period of time that flies by before I challenge myself and sometimes that makes me feel like I can't do something, I don't know how or I forgot how to push myself. This past weekend made me realize I should do it more often so I don't have those fears and trepidations.

But I'm gonna do it indoors, I'm not strong enough to deal with this kinda weather!

Things that make you go hmmmm...

So they're working on the Federal Building behind the building I work in (the Bowker Building) and there's nothing happening there right now - not a worker in site, no movement, nada, nothing, zip! Then there were sirens. An ambulance and a fire truck, but on the other side so I can't see anything! I'm dying to find out...I need to know. What the heck?!

It's me, Sarah!

Hmmmm...it's been so long I don't know if I remember how to blog! I know that's crazy but you know the saying, if you don't use it, you lose it!

"...sometimes it's best to hide out for a little while, take a vacation, learn to live life again instead of just getting through it". I believe I wrote that a few blogs ago. Guess I should read that again and figure out when I'm going to apply that in my own life if I'm going to give it out as advice, eh?!

I think I'm gonna plan a little get away for September. Bruce and I have both been pretty busy lately, him moreso than me - when the clock hits 10:30 I'm either off to bed or already turning out the lights! Sometimes I think that we're both missing out on life cuz we're always playing catch up. I think we need to regroup, step back and let life show us what it needs to. Jasper is always a great place to hunker down, let yourself get back to who you are and not what people want or need you to be. Sleep in, go for a hike, grab a coffee and scone at the Bear Paw Bakery...good God, when is September???

On my way to work in the morning there's a speed sign on 97th Street just before 137th Avenue that shows how fast you're travelling. It always makes me wonder - how do I know which car's speed it's showing? There's a ton of us passing it at the same time but only one number is flashing at any point in time. Perhaps I need to drive by in the middle of the night when nobody else is around and figure out where on the street triggers the sign. Pretty insignificant thing in my life but it makes me wonder every morning.

I thought you'd all enjoy a little happiness and you can't deny that my little Neko is smiling in this picture - seriously, look how happy he is!!! Doesn't that just make your day?! Now go out and try to top it!

Birthdays

I had a conversation with a friend this afternoon that made me think about how we feel about birthdays. You all have probably guessed by now that I love my birthday and birthdays in general! Maybe not, sometimes I can be a little understated. Anyway I told her that Bruce and I were headed over to my parents' place to celebrate my mom's birthday on Sunday. Her actual birthday isn't until Monday but that's a work night so it'd be kinda rushed. My friend said that she likes to keep her birthday quiet, she likes to celebrate it but not in a big way and if it's not on the exact day it's not such a big deal. She always takes her birthday off work and likes to have a "me" day. I don't have any issue with that because everybody deserves a "me" day but I want to celebrate my day and I want other people to celebrate my day with me! Don't get me wrong I would never force anyone into celebrating my day but it's a special day for me and I want to share it with everyone and that's how I feel about my friends and family's birthdays. I want to celebrate them. Birthdays are so special, without them, those closest to us would never have been and the world would have missed out on some absolutely fantabulous people! That's why I LOVE birthdays, not just mine, but all of yours. I need to take that one day, and let you know that I am so happy that you're here and let's eat some cake!

Shame on Me!

I have taken a one month hiatus from blogging, from reaching out to you, from centering myself at the end of the day. Sure, I've seen and done things that would have made great posts but something stopped me from sharing, from opening up and letting all of it spill onto this screen. But not tonight, no! I am here, I am focused and I want to reconnect with you. Four things are popping to mind about what to share, bunnies, friends, work and dreams! Probably the most interesting is my dream from last night so perhaps I'll save that till the end cuz it's ridiculous!

Bunnies. Yup, seen a lot of them lately. The most bizarre place I ran across one was on the first floor of the parkade at work. No, I didn't literally run across one - close but didn't. I was twirling my way down to exit at the bottom of the parkade when I had to slam on my brakes cuz there was a little bunny right in the middle of the road licking something off the ground! Seriously, had to slam on the brakes! I didn't want to honk at him cuz it'd be really loud and echo-y so I put my car in park, ran over to him (he didn't budge) and clapped my hands and yelled, "Shoo Shoo!". It worked and as I drove away I looked in my rear view mirror to see that he moved on but no, there he was, in the middle of the road licking something off the pavement. I hope he made it out of there and moved on to something better, something greener!

Work. In the last few months it's been a trial going to work. I have been in a manager's position for the past year in my branch doing the work of two people without a whole lot of support from above. Anyway, the last few months have really tested me, pulled me to a place where I didn't quite like myself or believed in myself. My position was recently posted as I was only temporarily reclassified to it to help out during the hiring freeze. Anyway, I made the decision not to apply for it and return to my previous position and I already feel more like me and I'm starting to feel happy again. Sometimes the higher, more 'prestigious' positions don't pay off and cost you more in the long run. I'd much rather smile and feel good about myself.

Friends. I have the best friends that anyone could ever ask for in life! I don't think I would be where I am in life or half the person I've turned out to be without them. I'm not an overly mushy person, I have my moments yes, but not overly mushy. But I feel that I need to share how special my 'peeps' are to me! Like I said earlier, the past few months have been tough but I was able to keep my head up and rise above cuz I have such beautiful people on my side!

Ok, now for the entertainment piece that you've all been waiting for! I think the green curry we had for dinner last night contributed to my fantabulous dream! Warning, this is strange so if you aren't a fan of the weird and wonderful you may want to end on the friends paragraph! It started off with me and three friends being shot out of orbit on a space shuttle and we landed on the moon, or so I thought. We exited the shuttle and the terrain was dry, arid, brown and hilly. Then I started to notice little black pygmy men with hairy backs blowing dart guns...not quite pygmies, a little bigger than pygmies and they were wearing loin cloths! They greeted us by offering coconuts to drink from. So there's life on the moon...and a convenience store! That's right a convenience store that sold ham sandwiches that weren't any thicker than my pointer finger...but there was a clue in this convenience store - the sandwiches were labeled, 'Jambon'. Not only is there life on the moon but they speak French on the moon! As I walked around I noticed a pen full of little Yorkshire Terriers. They raise Yorkies on the moon?! Yeah no, those dogs belonged to all the tourists because they're small enough for people to bring along on their vacations but they pen them up cuz they don't want them around all the time! Makes sense. And then I ran into Bruce. You got it he wasn't on the space shuttle with me, which leads me to question why was he on the moon?! I start talking about how cool it is that we're on the moon and he looked at me like I was nuts and said, "The moon?! Are you crazy, we're in Africa!" Who knew you could get to Africa by space shuttle?! Ha ha ha! I've never remembered a dream in so much detail - it was wild! I can't wait to go to sleep to see where I end up tonight!

Indulgence

On my way back from a meeting this morning I decided to skip the LRT ride and enjoy a gingerly walk on a brisk morning. The wind was blowing, people were bustling and I spotted a Second Cup! What the hell, a little indulgence is a good way of celebrating your life and it eats up time that you'd waste at work! Win-win situation.

In the last couple of days, I've had some revelations. I recognize that just because someone has pissed me off doesn't mean that anyone else deserves to experience the mood that person put me in, they deserve my best smile and a friendly attitude. Save the 'pissy-ness' for that first person.

I also discovered it feels good to smile, even when stuff is weighing on my mind, if I smile somehow my mood magically lightens even just a little bit.

It makes me smile when I sing in my car...doesn't matter if I can't sing cuz Kevin can't either! Ha ha ha! But seriously, I sing for me...if I thought I could sing I would've auditioned for Canadian Idol by now...thank you God for letting me recognize the fact that I could probably break glass and will never end up on one of those singing shows thinking I'm awesome when I completely suck!

But what makes me happiest is knowing that I treat people with respect. Funny how someone treating you with the utmost disrespect makes you even more respectful of others...you think they'd steal that from you. That would just be sad...they really are sad.

Caught Myself!

Tonight I opened up my calendar to see what I have on the go this week. Looks like I have a lot of meetings, a course on Wednesday, an employee retreat that I have to finish planning for and well a ton more projects to finish. I felt a little overwhelmed and a little disappointed in myself that I hadn't done a little prep work this weekend to lessen the load. I was about to log on to my Citrix account...and then I caught myself. It was just the other night that I wrote, "don't let all those stressful situations eat you up - sometimes it's best to hide out for a little while, take a vacation, learn to live life again instead of just getting through it". I didn't think it would be an effort to not work on the weekend - but it's a challenge for me knowing the stressful deadlines I'll be facing this week. But I don't get paid to work my weekends.


This is my time, time to recharge, time to live life. I really have to start listening to my own advice - I think it's pretty good!